Intention
“I promise you, that was never my intention…”
“Then what was your intention?”
I had no good answer.
The room felt small. And warm. And claustrophobic. The lamp pointed straight at my face didn’t help. Neither did the handcuffs.
“I asked you a question. What was your intention?”
“I… I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You ruined a 10-month operation in one evening and the best you can come up with is ‘I don’t know’?! You’re gonna have to do better than that.”
“There were civilians in the house.”
“Yeah, we knew that. It was unfortunate, but necessary. Collateral damage comes with the territory, you know that.”
“Does it? Who says that it does?”
“Who says?! Jesus Christ. Are you high?”
“No. In fact I feel clearer than ever.”
He was pacing even more frantically than before. A slither of sympathy ran through me. Sure, I was done for. But he would have to weather most of the inevitable shitstorm coming our way. He sat down and put his head is his hands.
“Look. We’re fucked. You mostly, but so am I. There’s nothing much that can be done about that. So please, at least help me understand. Why? Why the fuck did you blow our cover? Did you grow some sort of misguided conscience overnight?”
We had been through thick and thin together over the past 7 years. He was a good captain, he really was. But in this moment, he felt like a stranger. And so did I, to be honest. I thought of all the undercover operations we’d successfully pulled off over the years and all I could see was the damage we had done. The lives we had destroyed. It was like watching an old movie in my head. I could see the main character doing all these horrible things and some part of me even understood why he had done these things, but it wasn’t me. Not any more.
“I don’t think there’s anything I can tell you that will make sense to you. I just felt it was… Wrong. I looked at the family and I just couldn’t leave them there. I had to get them out.”
“And what about our target? The monster who bombs churches and schools?”
“It didn’t matter. All I knew was that family was innocent and didn’t deserve to die.”
“And the churchgoers and schoolchildren? They did deserve to die? And all the future victims that will most definitely come now that he’s free?”
“We don’t know that. But what is certain is that one family is safe. The violence stopped there.”
“Only it fucking didn’t. You can’t really be that naive, can you?”
“I guess I am. All I know is I’m never gonna put anyone in harms way, ever again.”
“Considering you’re going to prison for a long time, I’d say that’s an accurate estimate.”
The door banged as he left.
I knew he was right. I was going away for a long time. But that was… Okay. At least I managed to put one thing right. Sometimes that’s all we can do. One thing. Probably not enough to get me through the pearly gates, considering all the things I’d done over the years, but enough to sleep at night.
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